Today, I asked probably the dumbest question that I can remember having asked. Savitar is undergoing radiation therapy for a nasal tumor that is involving his rear upper jaw. I really do understand what is happening. The goal of radiation therapy is to (in layman’s terms) essentially melt away a tumor (still live tissue, cancerous or not) layer by layer with each treatment.
I had noticed since he began his treatment that his breath had been pretty foul. So I asked them about it (and that he just kind of has a funk in general). “Is it typical for an animal in this treatment to smell bad?” Today, a tech had come to collect Sav, and she – to her credit – didn’t stare at me and tell me what I was feeling after she explained it. Turns out, purposely killing live tissue is going to cause a smell. Who knew?
Getting beyond the part where I personally felt about 6 brain-inches tall… I thought about it on a broader scale. For most of my life I have been hyper-sensitive about the way I am perceived. In particular, how my intellect has been perceived. The knock-on effect of that is that I traditionally haven’t asked the questions that needed to be asked. I suppose in a way, it was better to not know an answer than to appear differently than I perceive myself.
Generally speaking, this is a very silly way to be. When you are dealing with a potential diagnosis, a new diagnosis, or the reality of living with a chronic illness, information is your friend. You should know what is happening to you. You should know why it is happening. This is why you have a specialist on your medical team. Yes, it is their job to interpret tests and monitor blood values and all of that. It is a bigger part of their job to make sure that you know what is happening to you. Until you have MS, you probably don’t know a lot about it. Until you have cancer, you are not well versed in everything that is part of the disease or the treatment of it. If your specialist (neurologist for me) won’t or doesn’t answer all of your questions (even the stupid ones), find a new one. One who does.
And please, for the love of everything, allow yourself to get past the fear of appearing silly. Maybe you will, in the short term. The same way that you have to have faith in your doctor, you are going to get better results if they know you are trying. Trying to do better. Trying to understand. They know you don’t know… you know you don’t know… so there is no shame in trying to know. Ask all the questions. For your own sake.
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