Yesterday was an odd day. In spite of how one may be dealing with a chronic illness, there are days on which things are going to just catch up. No matter how much you try or how you lean into your coping mechanisms or your support structure, it’s just going to be much. That is OK. We are humans. We get to feel underwater sometimes. In my personal experience, I started out to write something and it was not at all going well. That’s where it started. I still have the draft, and maybe I will return to it at some point. Instead, I posted a small but daily irritant that is a constant, daily reminder that things are different. It was important to me to do that for multiple reasons. For one, having committed to this blog process, it was important to at least do *something*. Had I punted on the day’s post, it opens up the door to the inertia of not doing things. I’m pretty susceptible to that particular siren song, so I had to do something. The bigger benefit was that it set my mind on the path for today’s post.
I have been doing a large amount of work on myself (yes, that means what you think it means, and no…. I’m not ashamed in any way) and we’ll get to how and in what ways that manifested itself in a bit, but in the short term, all of the progress that I have made in treating myself with kindness and coping with things not being the way I saw them in my head, I went into an existential spiral. It’s one of those things where all of the tasks on my plate have turned into bigger tasks than they originally started (I guess I’m going to learn to change out an electric box in the ceiling so that the light fixture that is replacing the track light that it took weeks to figure out how to remove can go in, for instance)... I could type out the entire laundry list of tasks that have piled up and weigh heavily on the old self-worth. I won’t. The point is - I was able to point that energy in different directions, and while things are still undone and are daunting and need doing, I found a way to tap into the worth and value that I know that I have.
To make an uninteresting story short, instead of operating from the existential crisis I was living in, I sat down and made a plan. It became a matter of how the thought processes were framed. Instead of thinking of trying to find employment as a matter of “what can’t I do?” or “what if they don’t like me or call me back?”, I turned to long-held thoughts about what I *might* be able to do if I were in this place. I still like language. I still like grammar. I have long thought about trying to transition into some sort of proofreading or editing role. And so I started applying for positions in that area. I still have that voice in my head “What if they don’t call you?” to which I respond in a moment of clarity “you already don’t have that job, so what is the difference if they don’t call you? All you need is one person to open the door.” I had also upgraded my microphone situation on my computer recently. I don’t particularly love my voice, but I can speak clearly, enunciate well, and am pretty good at pronunciations and such, so I have been looking in on voice-over and audiobook reading openings. The beautiful thing about these is that a) I can do them, and b) I can do them anywhere.
In addition, I have had another long-held goal. I reached out to some online Universities to start the conversation about my ancient college credits and how I might be able to eventually have a degree… and then continue along into an actual career kind of thing. Spoiler: I’m going to need a Masters in this thought plan. If it comes into fruition, I’ll share. Suffice it to say, I have a plan in my head. In that plan, I make myself better. I invest in myself. I believe in myself. If it all comes off, I will be able to help people in a very tangible way. So here is hoping. I’m sure that as that process continues, it will find its way here. At any rate, if ever you have believed in me or though I could do “it” or encouraged me… I hear you now. I didn’t listen back then, but I believe that I am worth it…. And I believe that every single one of you was right. So onward we go. Every hiring manager who doesn’t talk to me is missing out on the best person for their position…. But they’re failure to notice that does not change who or what I am or diminish my value. So I came through a rough place yesterday, and am stronger today than I was. Thank you for being part of this journey. I could not have done it alone.
Hey, so it’s Tuesday and you know what that means? It means it’s Typing Tuesday. In the process of job searching yesterday, I saw a position that required 75 wpm typing and I scoffed in my head and said “ha! In my sleep!” and then I remembered so…. Goals, I guess? Before I started typing this out, I redid my test. I have noticed (as I mentioned last week) that tests with more familiar words go better…. Which tracks. Regardless, without further ado (and informing how I can have a goal at 75 wpm: 1 week into trying to do better and my typing is at 53 wpm and 97% accuracy. That is 10 wpm up and just as accurate which is great! I don’t think that I am ever going to be a 100% accuracy typer ever again… but I’ll take 97%. I’ve got a wicked delete/backspace game.
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