One of the biggest challenges for me in this entire process since Dx has been tied to self-worth. While there may be a time in which I am qualified to speak about this, it certainly not now. It, like MS, is tied to highly personal experiences so there is not a “blanket fix” so this is not that today. It is adjacent though. Before I move on, though, you are valid. You are worthwhile. You are enough. If you need to talk, reach out and I will respond and do my best.
So today, I was thinking about optics. As in what visual I put forward, not how I see (if you are having that challenge, talk to your doctor post haste). For the longest time, on the downlow or when there was a reasonable explanation as to why it might be necessary, I would use a hiking pole or walking stick. Although it doesn’t change some of the challenges (uneven ground is still a problem, regardless), it can in a very tangible way increase my mobility and waking range. Ultimately, if some stranger looks at you and walks away with a “you should have seen this person” story… what does that matter in the long term? They won’t think about you any more than once or maybe twice, so what does it matter.
So first, get yourself into a position where you can use such aids honestly. Even using them “on the DL” is going to in some manner compromise their effectiveness. If you have accepted the need for them to be part of your existence, you have already started the process. Keep the honesty going. Based on my experience, you are carrying around a bigger weight than you think if you are hiding something away inside of you…. If you get past that and deal with things in a way that you *know* will make you feel better, you’re going to be doubly better off in the long run. That’s going to affect three-days-down-the-road you as well. Everyone will be happier for it.
Additionally, we humans are still animals. If you allow yourself to use an outwardly discernible expression that you are not well, people are going to notice. Does that mean each person you run across is going to bring you punch and pie? Certainly not. But they are going to be aware of you. If you need assistance, they might offer. At the very least, say it’s like the Before Days and you’re in a crowd, they may give you an extra foot’s worth of clearance… which for me is even more valuable. 85% of my distress when things are acting up is tied to how it impacts people around me (yes, even strangers in a crowd). The thought that I might lurch to the side and discomfort a stranger is mortifying to me. They don’t put that kind of thing in their pamphlets on “how to deal”.
Ultimately, the best advice I can give is to apply a very selective optic to what it is that you are considering. If it is a walking stick, don’t cloud your mind with the vision of your body with a stick. Hell get a cute stick so you feel better using it. I just got yellow ones because they’re cute. Don’t focus on that, though… step back and logic it out. If you do <unpleasant thing> today, then you can conserve energy and effort and lower negative thoughts to the point that you might be able to do that thing on the weekend that you thought you might miss out on. And that’s going to be worth it.
I know that this blog is my story. It is my perspective. Only mine. This thing is so wildly different that someone else that you know with the same battles will have completely different stories. BUT - Please share. Go back to the first post. Share it on your Facebook. Share it on your Twitter. Shout it from your local hilltop or mountain. If I have managed to reach the number of people that I have from my limited audience, maybe if we cast the net further, we have a chance to do something good here… something real. There may be someone out there that you know that is struggling. That needs support… that needs a hand… and they might not know how to ask for it. I am here to tell you that it could mean everything to someone. (additionally, you can send them to my blog-specific twitter @brainplaques) Let’s help some humans. I’m starting to see some second-level involvement… so honestly, keep sharing. Someone may want to hear it.
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