When Life Gives You Lemons

For a long time after it became clear that my body was not going to hold up to my work and that my company had absolutely no interest in finding a way to help me continue my employment with them, I felt pretty low. Perhaps the best I could hope for is to somehow make it through the daily tasks around the house… care and feeding and cleaning… to the best of my ability. And so it was for a very long time. I got good at some things, and with the time to focus, I have shifted many “go to” meals to consist of items that are both easy to cook and are insanely healthy for me. So that’s good. But it also gives you lots of time to think.

I wasn’t ready to be done with my work… regardless how much I might have complained about it at the time. I suppose truly, though, that I do owe this much to that situation: like a lima bean in a wet paper towel, that is where the green started showing up. I shot my shot and tried to get somewhere better than where I was. It didn’t work, but the fact that I felt the value in myself to at least try… so maybe that’s were this starts. But through marathon sessions of thinking what a broken-down body can do gainfully in this life – for the first time since I was maybe 20 – I know what I want to be when I grow up. Now I just have to figure out how to get there.

The plan includes navigating a lot of confusing, difficult twists and turns. One wonders why it is so hard and confusing to do better in life. That question is above my pay grade, though, although if anyone wants a private soapbox session, I certainly have thoughts. Anyway… on a chronic illness level, let me say this much: if you happen to have self-worth issues in general, chronic illness is both the worst and the best thing that can happen to you. It will challenge you on the most basic level, but if you find a way through that… you can build on that. Kind of like bodybuilding, maybe. If you do the initial work, then you can stack Gains on top of that. So that is where we are at. Trying to figure out a flexible, moveable option for those dusty old college credits is… a challenge. Trying to figure out what it looks like to find something temporary to do in order to pay for school again is… a challenge.

I got on another couple of job search engines yesterday and if that is your gig, let me give you this one for free: I am closing out and leaving your site after the 10th advertisement or “promotional offer”. I am a patient man… but holy hell guys.

If you are chronically ill, I encourage you to be kind to yourself. Figuring things out is going to take time. That time may be loooooooong, and that is fine. I encourage adopting an old Gandalfian philosophy. You will arrive precisely when you are meant to. Keep your head up. Today’s challenge is where you stack tomorrow’s Gains. At any rate, here I am… a 46 year-old man who finally knows what he wants to be when he grows up.